Redirection of my life
This module turns the focus to what you actually need and the life you want to build.
Module 4 of 5 · ~20 min · Your pace
This module is less about what’s been happening and more about where you want to go: your hopes, dreams, and goals.
There’s no pressure to have answers. Just see what feels familiar or true for you.
Building the life I want
Everyone needs certain things to feel okay. Not just okay, but actually good. These are called needs: the things that keep you going, feeling safe and stable.
When those needs aren’t being met, your brain looks for shortcuts. Shortcuts can feel good for a moment but create bigger problems later.
This isn’t about what you did wrong. It’s about what you need more of — and finding safer, healthier ways to meet those needs long term.
How would you rate how each of the following areas of your life currently feels for you right now?
Here are 9 areas that matter for most people your age. Notice which ones feel low right now.
Rate each one honestly
Taking care of your body and mind
Sleep, food, movement, rest. When your body is running low, everything feels harder and urges feel stronger.
Having the right information
Knowing enough to make good decisions about school, relationships, online choices, and your own emotions. Not knowing things isn’t stupid. it just means you need more information.
Believing you can handle things
Feeling able to do tasks, solve problems, and make small changes when you try. Not being perfect, just feeling capable enough.
Making your own choices
Feeling in control of your actions, not just reacting to stress, impulses, or pressure from others. Choosing on purpose instead of just going along.
Having people you trust
Having at least one person — a friend, peer, or trusted adult — you feel safe with and can actually talk to. Not just being around people. Feeling genuinely connected.
Feeling calm inside
Having moments where your mind and body aren’t tense, anxious, or overloaded. Being able to settle down.
Knowing who you want to be
Having a sense of direction. Not a big plan, just a feeling of what kind of person you’re trying to grow into, and why it matters.
Having real fun
Having things that bring you actual joy — not just escapes from bad feelings, but things that genuinely feel good and don’t cause harm.
Showing who you are
Having a way to get things out: art, music, writing, movement, humour, building things. Anything that lets you express yourself.
What did you notice?
Look back at your answers. Which areas did you mark as Low or Okay, but could be better?
Areas I’d most like to work on
Pick everything that feels low or could be better
Wellbeing
Knowledge
Competence
Autonomy
Connection
Inner Peace
Meaning
Enjoyment
Creativity
Look back at your answers again. Did you mark any areas as pretty good?
Wellbeing
Knowledge
Competence
Autonomy
Connection
Inner Peace
Meaning
Enjoyment
Creativity
If not
Not to worry! It could just mean that things feel a bit out of balance at the moment. As you move forward in the programme, pick one need from the list above that you would like to feel better about. In the next sections, you will explore some ideas and tools that can help you get what you need.
If yes
Great, you have recognised some areas of strength in your life! What’s already going well can help you moving forward. In the next sections, you will learn ways to hold on to these positives and support them in a healthy, safe, and balanced way.
My needs underneath the behaviour
Every behaviour, even the harmful ones, tries to meet a need. Let’s look at what the harmful sexual behaviour might be trying to give you.
The needs that I have been trying to meet through my behaviour (click all that feel relatable):
What need has this behaviour been trying to meet?
Pick everything that feels true
These are all real needs. But sometimes what we do to feel better in the moment doesn’t really give us what we need in the long run. At first, harmful behaviour may seem like a shortcut, a quick fix, but instead can end up creating more harm to you and others.
When you understand what needs you have been trying to fill with harmful behaviour, it’s often easier to figure out safer and healthier ways to take care of them. Think of the following questions: What got in the way of me filling these needs in a safer and healthier way? What could I try to do instead?
Changing habits can take time, and that’s okay. Your brain is learning along with you, so changes take a bit of practice! Think back to the tools you learned in module 3 and try using them here. It’s the small steps that help you feel calmer and more in control! Remember that you can take a pause anytime.
Your values: your inner compass
Along with needs, everyone has things that matter to them, even if they’ve never put them into words.
These are your values, the qualities that you think are important and tend to guide your choices.
Discover your values. There are no right or wrong answers.
Pick everything that feels true
Being included, understanding an inside joke, being part of a group.
Having someone to talk to, message when you want company, or share things that matter to you.
Knowing you won’t get hurt, yelled at, or pressured.
Wanting to know how something works, or trying something new.
Making your own choices and feeling in control.
Trusting yourself to handle a situation or speak up for yourself or others.
Relaxing, laughing, having a great time.
Feeling relaxed and less overwhelmed.
Treating yourself and others the way you’d want to be treated. Not putting yourself down, not putting others down either.
Working toward something that matters to you, finishing something hard, getting better at a skill, or feeling like you moved forward.
Finding your own way to show who you are — through art, music, writing, humour, style, or anything that feels like you.
Being able to say how you feel or think, and knowing the people around you will do the same. No games, no hiding.
Anything missing?
Write down any other values that guide your choices.
Pick 5 values
If you had to choose which areas to focus on at this moment of your life, which ones would you choose?
Select up to 5 values that feel most important to you right now. You can change your mind later.
Your values and your choices
You picked the values that matter to you. Great work!
Now the harder part: does your behaviour match those values?
Even if you recognised some important things for yourself, it doesn’t automatically mean that they match your actions. Sometimes, your thoughts, feelings, and behaviour aren’t in line with what you care about.
This includes:
- What you view online: images or videos that sexualise children, violent sexual content.
- How you act toward others.
- What you do in your free time.
- How you speak about other people.
- How you treat your body.
Look at each value you picked. Ask yourself honestly: does my current behaviour fit with each value?
Tap any value you’d like to reflect on
If this matters to you:
Feeling accepted means people know the real you. Right now, you are hiding a big part of what you do, perhaps from your family, friends, or other people. Can you feel accepted if you have to hide something?
The gap: Acceptance and hiding don’t go together.
If this matters to you:
- It’s normal to want to fit in and feel included, but not all friendships and connections are safe and healthy. Some may push us toward risky and harmful choices.
- Real friendships and connections are about respecting boundaries, honesty, and trust, supporting each other, and above all: encouraging healthy and safe choices.
- Using harmful sexual behaviour to find friendship and connection doesn’t work. Instead, this behaviour often increases isolation. Seeking connection through violence is harmful.
The gap: Real connection comes from healthy, safe, and age-appropriate relationships.
If this matters to you:
- The harmful sexual behaviour creates legal danger. It can create constant anxiety and worry about being caught.
- It also puts others at risk and causes others to feel unsafe (children, potential victims). Content showing violence normalises real harm.
The gap: This behaviour destroys safety for you and others.
If this matters to you:
- Viewing harmful content isn’t innocent curiosity.
- Every image/video that sexualises children = real child harmed.
- Violent sexual content teaches unhealthy ideas about sex.
- You need to learn about healthy, consensual sexuality instead.
The gap: Harmful content teaches harmful patterns.
If this matters to you:
Independence means making your own choices. When urges decide what you do, you are not in control — the urge is. Does this behaviour feel like freedom, or does it feel like being stuck?
The gap: This behaviour takes away control, doesn’t give it.
If this matters to you:
- You hide this behaviour.
- It probably creates shame, not pride.
- Would you feel confident if all people knew?
- Real confidence comes from actions you can stand behind.
The gap: This behaviour creates shame, not confidence.
If this matters to you:
- This isn’t real enjoyment: it’s escape or compulsion.
- How do you feel afterward? Better or worse?
- Real enjoyment doesn’t create guilt, fear, or harm.
- Fun that hurts you or others isn’t actually fun.
The gap: This behaviour destroys genuine joy.
If this matters to you:
- This behaviour might feel like an escape temporarily.
- However, it increases stress, anxiety, and guilt long-term.
- Fear of consequences creates constant tension.
- Using violence or extreme content for arousal creates internal chaos.
The gap: This creates more distress, not calm.
If this matters to you:
- Images/videos that sexualise children = children being harmed.
- Violent sexual content = people being degraded, hurt, violated.
- Sexual behaviour without consent = disrespect.
- Hiding what you’re doing = not respecting yourself.
The gap: Harmful sexual behaviour contradicts respect.
If this matters to you:
- This behaviour limits future opportunities.
- It keeps you stuck in a harmful pattern.
- It blocks goals and the life you want.
- Time spent on this is time not building your future.
The gap: You can’t move forward while stuck in this pattern.
If this matters to you:
- Sexual behaviour that harms others is not expression.
- Consuming violent content is not creative.
- There are ways to express yourself that don’t involve harm and violence.
The gap: Find expression that doesn’t hurt anyone.
If this matters to you:
- This behaviour requires lying and hiding.
- You can’t be trusted if people don’t know what you’re doing.
- You’re not being honest about the harm this causes.
The gap: You can’t live honestly while hiding harmful behaviour.
The gap is real
Your values show who you want to be. Your behaviour shows what you’re actually doing.
The gap between them creates the uncomfortable feelings you have, like anger, guilt, shame, anxiety, sadness, or feelings of being stuck.
What this means:
If these values really matter to you, your behaviour needs to change to match them.
You can’t have both: harmful sexual behaviour AND live by these values.
The path forward is changing the behaviour.
This programme exists because change is possible, and you are already doing it.
👟One small step
You have now explored your needs and values. Well done! The next step is: what kind of actions can you take to live in line with them without harming yourself or others?
Let’s think about other ways to meet your needs and values. One way to turn this into action is by setting goals – SMART goals!
SMART goals
SMART is a way of making goals easier to stick to. Each letter stands for something, but here’s what it means in practice:
-
- Specific — clear on what exactly you want to do
- Measurable — you can tell when you’re making progress
- Achievable — it’s actually doable for you right now
- Relevant — it connects to something that matters to you
- Time-bound — you have a rough idea of when you want to do it by
Below, we have listed some examples of smart goals. Take a look and pick one you might try. You can also try coming up with your own smart goal!
You don’t need to change everything at once. One small step in the right direction is real progress.
One thing I’m willing to try
Pick one to start with
When will you try this?
Pick one
Building real connections
Everyone needs connection with other people. Not just ‘it would be nice’ — it’s actually necessary, like food or sleep.
When connections are missing, life gets harder. Loneliness is one of the biggest reasons people turn to harmful behaviour.
This section is about building healthy connections, even if that feels hard or scary right now.
Why connection matters
Connection helps with harmful sexual behaviour because:
- Loneliness makes urges stronger
- Having people in your life means having someone to reach out to instead of being alone with urges
- Real relationships give you reasons to keep working on change
- Connection meets needs that sexual behaviour never actually meets
What can make connection hard:
- You might prefer being alone — it feels safer or easier
- You might have trouble talking to people your age
- You might feel like you don’t fit in
- You might have had bad experiences with people before
- Social situations might feel confusing or overwhelming
- You might feel like no one understands you
All of these are real. And connection is still important.
This section gives you small, specific ways to build connection, even if it feels uncomfortable at first.
Who’s actually around you?
Quick check. Honest answers, just for you.
I have at least one person my age I talk to regularly
Having at least one person to talk to matters. One question worth asking: does this connection bring out a better version of you, or does it pull you toward harmful patterns you are trying to change?
You have some connection but it’s not consistent. Think about what makes it hard to maintain
This is something to work on. Even one connection makes a difference.
I have someone I could reach out to if I felt lonely or struggling
Remember they exist. When you’re struggling, actually reach out – don’t just isolate.
Think about who this could be. Having someone identified helps.
This is important to change. You need at least one person for hard moments.
I do activities with other people at least once a week
Good rhythm. Keep this going even when you don’t feel like it.
Try to make it more consistent. Regular social time matters.
Being alone most of the time increases risk. Adding even one social activity helps.
I usually prefer being alone
Alone time can feel safer or easier. But too much isolation makes managing urges harder. You don’t have to love social time – just do some of it.
This is normal, everyone needs both alone time and social time.
Wanting to be around people is helpful. Make sure you actually do it, not just want it.
I feel like people my age don’t understand me
This feeling is common. But isolating because of it makes everything harder. You don’t need everyone to understand you, just one or two people.
Normal. Finding people with similar interests or experiences helps.
That’s helpful, you feel like connection is possible.
What your answers say
If most answers were “No” or “Not really”:
You’re alone a lot right now. That’s okay, you’re working on it. Even one small connection helps.
If your answers were mixed:
You have some connection sometimes. The next part helps you do it more often.
If most answers were “Yes”:
You have people in your life. Keep that going, especially when things are hard.
The next part shows you exactly what to do: small, specific steps.
Small Ways to Connect
Pick one to try this week
One sentence to someone your age. Face-to-face. That’s it.
- “Do you know when that’s due?”
- “Cool shoes.”
- “Got a charger?”
That’s it. One sentence.
Where: School, work, activity, anywhere you see people your age.
Next time someone invites you somewhere, say yes — even if part of you wants to stay home.
- “Want to hang out after school?”
- “Want to play [game]?”
- “Come to [event]?”
You don’t have to stay long. Just show up.
Be where other people are. You don’t have to talk to them.
- Sit in the living room instead of your bedroom
- Eat dinner with family
- Study somewhere people are around — kitchen table, library
- Hang out in a public space — café, park
30 minutes counts.
Sign up for one thing with a schedule.
- After-school club
- Art class
- Gaming club
- Volunteering
- Youth group
Same time, same people, every week — that’s what makes it work. You don’t have to make it happen each time. The schedule does.
Have a real conversation with one adult you trust. This could be:
- A family member
- School counsellor
- Teacher or coach
- Therapist
You don’t have to tell them everything. You can start small:
- “I’m going through some stuff.”
- Or just talk about normal things — school, what you’re into.
Adults count as connection too. They can also help you find people your age.
You’re not broken. Social stuff is genuinely harder for some people.
It might be hard because:
- You don’t know what to say
- Social situations feel confusing or scary
- You feel really different from everyone
- You’re neurodivergent (autistic, ADHD, etc.)
- You’ve been rejected or bullied before
Start even smaller. One step per week:
- Week 1: Say “hi” to one person. Once. That’s the whole goal.
- Week 2: Say “hi” with eye contact.
- Week 3: Add one question — “How’s it going?”
Build one tiny skill at a time.
A few other things that help:
- Be near people without talking (library, common area)
- Join activities where you do something together — easier than just talking
- Pick activities about stuff you actually like
- Ask a therapist to work on social skills with you specifically
It will feel awkward. That’s normal — everyone feels awkward sometimes. What matters is you keep trying small things.
This one needs your attention. Read it carefully.
If you find it easier to be around much younger children than people your own age, you need to understand why — and there are ways to change it.
The reality: Children can’t meet your need for friendship or connection. That’s not their role. Seeking connection with children — even if it feels easier — is harmful to them, and puts you at risk of harming them.
This isn’t about normal age gaps between teenagers. A couple of years between peers is common and healthy. This is about consistently preferring to spend time with children significantly younger than you — for example, a 16-year-old choosing to spend time with a 10-year-old. That pattern needs to change.
Why this happens:
- Peer relationships feel difficult or confusing
- You’ve been rejected before
- Younger children seem more relatable
- You lack confidence with people your own age
- You feel sexually attracted to much younger children
These are real difficulties. But they’re not reasons to seek connection with children. They’re reasons to work on peer relationships.
What you need to do:
Recognise the pattern. When you notice yourself preferring to be around children, treat it as a warning sign. Take it seriously.
Build peer connections anyway — even when it’s hard. Social skills can be learned. Discomfort with peers gets smaller with practice. Use the ways above and keep trying.
Keep clear limits with younger children:
- No one-on-one time with much younger children
- Don’t turn to younger children for emotional support
- Only spend time with them in adult-supervised settings
Get professional help if you feel sexual interest in much younger children. This won’t shift on its own, and help exists. A therapist can help you build the social skills you’re missing and understand what’s driving this.
Of everything you just read, what feels most possible for you right now?
Just a sentence is enough. This stays on your device, no one else sees it.
Building the life you want doesn’t start with a big change. It starts with noticing what’s missing and taking one step at a time.
Key takeaways
Your values already tell you which direction you want to move in. The gap between who you want to be and what you are doing is useful information, not a reason for shame or guilt. One small step toward your values is enough to start with.
Loneliness is one of the biggest drivers of harmful behaviour. Healthy connection is part of the solution.
One module left. Take a break if you need one, or go straight to Module 5.
Module 5
Next steps
~20 min reading